Thieves and Ninjas
by Evil's Worst Nightmare
Summary: DeidaraXOC. She had a temper bigger than Kisame, which was impressive, considering she only reached his stomach. Meeting her was an unexpected surprise, but he welcomed the break from Shinobi monotony. After all, their jobs weren't all that different!
1. Chapter 1: Introductions And Fights

**A/N-** okay, this is going to be a little hard to understand, but bear with me. I just wanted to post this. Thought it would be fun.

--

What do you do, when everything seems to crumble, and you aren't sure where to turn? She wasn't sure either. If there was a God, he had to be laughing right now. He was the only possible being in existence who would even dare. She owned Satan, so his rights had gone out the window the day she had snapped on a shock collar. But God? Yeah, no way in her new realm of Hell she was even gone try to own God. That just wasn't right, even in her twisted mind.

Right, what's going on, ne? Well, our heroine is a spunky 20 year old girl with dyed neon orange hair the length of her shoulders, and stormy grey eyes. Standing at 5'6", she was a diminutive force to be reckoned with. Her temper was legendary, and tales of her rare moments of rage had spread from the Land of Water in the West to beyond the border of the Lands of Earth and Wind in the East, to the Land of Lightning in the North, and beyond. A force to be reckoned with indeed, and not even a ninja (Eh, Deidara, in this fic, was not killed by Sasuke and his own stupidity, but alive and well, and still working for the Akatsuki at the lovely age of 22.)

She was a thief, wily and cunning and stealthy, even with a neon notice board like her hair. Her targets varied widely, but always brought her tons of cash that she stocked away for emergencies. She didn't need riches. She lived for the theft, the challenge, and the journey from one place to another. She had one accomplice, an eleven year old girl, that she had saved from the white slave trade.

A little Japanese girl who could blend into towns and odd jobs better than a trained shinobi. Itsu was her name, and according to her name sake, she hid and hid well. She herself was Tsuyayaka, beautiful in her mother's eyes as the only daughter in a house full of boys. Really rough and tumble boys. So she knew a thing or two about fighting, and fighting well. And now……TO LE STORY!

--

"Tsuya-sama! I'm back!", Itsu called from the front door as she came in out of the rain, her short hair dripping from the down pour. The small house she rented with her master in the dinky little town was silent and dark. But not cold, Itsu noticed. She closed the door, and then hung her cloak up on the hook her master had made for her short arms to reach. She paused as she stared at her tiny little hands. _I want to do more_, she thought, _More for Shishou. But with these tiny hands, what can I do?? _

"You're home early, Itsu. Did something go wrong?", asked a soft voice from the doorway to the next room. Itsu looked up slowly, her eyes worshipful as she gazed at the woman she had deemed her savior. She shook her head back and forth, twisting her vision and sending water droplets everywhere.

" Iya. Everyone received an early day today. But I know for a fact that the package is arriving tonight. And there were rumors among the servants, Shishou. Bad ones.", she murmured, remembering the frightened whispers of the house's servant and domestics. Shinobi, dangerous S-class rouge shinobi. This job would be extraordinarily difficult. She twiddled her foot, afraid to tell her master, who's temper was horribly frightening when something went wrong.

"Oh?", her master asked, raising one fine brow in nonchalant askance.

"They say that the master of the house contracted S-class rouges to guard his precious trinkets. They are dangerous, and covered in blood, so the whispers go.", Itsu murmured, worried that if her master got hurt, no one would care for her anymore. And she knew master would view this as a challenge, meaning nothing would stop her from going now.

Her master tapped her chin in a thoughtful rhythm. Itsu could see the cogs turning and whirring inside her head, adapting plans and escape routes to incorporate the factor of S-class shinobi. This job would be difficult.

"Shishou? What will you do? May I help??", Itsu asked, praying her master said yes.

"Itsu, when does the shipment arrive?", he master asked, her eyes shadowed by her hair. The little girl gulped.

"Just after one, tonight. In Dock 8, and there are to be a least two extra platoons of guards, besides the shinobi. It'll arrive on a cargo freighter from the land of the Bear. Other than that, I could find out nothing." Itsu said, hanging her head, "Gomen, Shishou." Tsuya lifted a hand and waved it back and forth, as though she were dispelling the girl's words from the air.

"Iya, Iya. It's fine, Itsu. You did well child. The shinobi are not your fault. And you've already helped me immensely.", her master's response was airy, gently, and light. She was not disappointed.

"Now, you're soaking wet. I just drew a bath and it should be warm. Go.", her master ordered, and Itsu trotted happily up the hall towards a very welcome tub of hot water.

Well, she knew that this particular job wasn't going to be easy to begin with, but this was ridiculous! All her nice, neat, perfect plans had been tossed out the window. Competing with S-Class shinobi, yeah, that was an award wining idea. Still……it was a tempting thought. If she still managed the job, people wouldn't even trust shinobi to do just protection any more. And that would mean easier future jobs.

Tsuya continued to think as she walked into the kitchen, knowing Itsu would be hungry after her bath. She herself had the nibbles, so what could a little snack hurt? Many of her mother's maids had hated her for her ability to have shameless affairs with junk food and still retain a long and slender frame. What the maids hadn't known was the fact that fat never had time to stick to her because she was burning calories so fast just trying to keep up with her brothers, it was frightening.

Also, those silly women forgot that Tsuya was only twenty years old (Deidara is twenty-two in this story), and she had better metabolism than fifty and sixty year old crones like themselves. Tsuya snorted, remembering the short tempered women.

Her knife flashed with practiced ease as she swiftly cut up some fruit, out of season, but sold none the less. With a tired sigh, she washed the knife when she was finished, then pecked at some apples slices, still formulating her plan. As she dwindled away time, she couldn't help but wonder exactly what these shinobi would look like. God knew her love life had been obliterated the day she'd made it forcibly clear she wasn't going to marry some guy just because her parents said so. And then proceeded to hurt him _very _badly when he himself did not get the picture.

She had heard that she'd done plenty of damage with just her fists. Three broken ribs, a fractured wrist, his left leg broken in three different places, a completely shattered right knee cap, a broken nose, two black eyes, a split and puffy lip, eight out of ten fingers broken, and a fractured skull. And all she'd done was whack him around a little.

She smirked. Ok, so she'd whacked him around a lot. Not that he hadn't deserved it. With a shake of her head, she booted the thoughts of her would-be fiancé unceremoniously out of her mind. She had a heist to prepare for.

--

"I'm bored, un.", a mysterious blonde whined. BAM! The little bird in his hand disappeared in a small explosion. Whack! The blonde's head flew forward from the force of a blue-haired individual's strike.

"Hush, you fool.", the woman snapped. The blonde raised his head, rubbing an anime bump with an obvious pout on his lips.

"That hurt, Konan, yeah.", he whined, but didn't explode anything else as the ship moved slowly closer to the harbor with every passing moment. Instead, he took out a kunai and began twirling it around his index finger with a bored air, half hoping it would slip and nail Konan somewhere painful. He resisted the urge to snort, like that could happen.

"Deidara.", Leader rasped, "Can you see them?" Without answering, Deidara lifted his blonde bangs and pressed the focus on his scope. With two sharp 'Click's, a small group of armored guards, and a richly dressed man appeared in the line of his scope's sight. That, Deidara assumed, would be their employer. A quick scan of the area revealed no traps and no strange individuals in the shadows around the little group.

"Yeah. Thirteen armored guards. Swords, daggers, some chains, nothing big, yeah. And an ugly, fat, rich sludge ball in the middle, un. That's all.", he murmured, knowing Leader-sama would understand.

A gentle 'THUMP' announced the boat's arrival at the edge of the dock, the small hired crew scuttling around, eager to deliver their ninja cargo. A few in particular, the ones who'd made the mistake of hitting on Konan, would be particularly delighted to see the back of them. With a bored yawn, Deidara stood, and stretched, his mouths all opening wide to stretch unused jaws. Leader walked past him, carrying a small, bejeweled box in his hands.

He walked steadily down the gandplank, relaxed almost, while their little organization trickled after him, all stretching and yawning in boredom. The whole damn gang was here, and no one really understood why. The group slowly approached the party waiting a good fifty feet from the water's edge. As Leader-sama approached, the ugly thing that was paying them pulled out a large briefcase. He opened it, showing stacks of bills. Kakuzu whistled appreciatively.

"5,000,000. As agreed.", the little man sneered, and his voice made Deidara shudder. Slowly Leader-sama and the idiot faced off, and exchanged the little box for the briefcase at the exact same time.

"Our contract is terminated. We are no longer responsible for any goods transported to you.", Leader said, ending the deal.

"I accept those terms.", the little pudgy man replied.

"Oh, excellent. Best news I've heard all day.", a taunting female voice called out from the darkness. The two groups spun as one in time to see a black whip streak from the darkness, snatch the little box, and then disappear back into the shadows from whence is came. (A/N Corny, I know, but I found it funny. Eh heh heh…")

The armored guards began to run around in a huge uproar, until a slim figure in a hooded cloak appeared on the roof above their heads. The face of the thief was hidden by all of the shadows, and all even Deidara or Itachi could make out was a pale complexion, soft and full lips, and the evil smirk adorning them. He found it slightly attractive, really. She flicked two of her fingers in a salute.

"Adieu!", she called, before doing a back flip back into the darkness, her steps dying away into the night. And in the wake of those foot steps: utter chaos.

"Stop him!", their former employer howled, "He's getting away!!" Pein, as he counted out the bills in the suitcase, proceeded to shrug.

"No longer our problem.", he said, never looking at the now devastated man. Deidara smothered a chuckle. All in all, that girl couldn't have planned it better if she'd tried.

--

Lucky, lucky, lucky! Really, that was too easy. They'd concluded the deal, terminated the contract, and WHOOSH, she'd swooped in, gotten the prize….and gotten away. And if Kanryu Takeda wasn't the _ugliest _man Tsuya had ever seen, she'd mercifully forgotten what the other man looked like. He didn't walk, he waddled, dragged down by his rolls and folds of fat that strained behind ridiculously expensive silk clothing. Clothing that was chosen poorly, at that.

The man was short, even for Tsuya, with his belly wider than he was tall. His skin was sallow, and had a yellowish tinge that bespoke of kidney problems. His black eyes were small, and had the pig-like quality of being beady and short sighted. His nose was scrunched, looking like it had been broken a few times; Tsuya would have loved to have added to those numbers, but she wasn't a fool.

His clothing had been mismatched in cut, and the colors all horribly wrong. Either he dressed himself, or his Master of the Wardrobe needed a change of profession. Who put light pink, spring green, and pumpkin orange together, honestly?

Those shinobi, however, were top notch. As to why Kanryu had hired all of them, when two or three would have sufficed, was a mystery she couldn't be bothered to contemplate. Hell, the rich were always excessive, if she recalled her past right. She'd just be grateful that she didn't have eight or nine of 'em on her trail right now, in hot pursuit. Lucky couldn't even begin to describe tonight.

With a gentle push, Tsuya took to the rooftops, jumping from one to the next with practiced ease. Shinobi weren't the only ones who could do it! After a twenty minuet span, Tsuya dropped down onto her own roof, then slid in through the unused chimney.

Itsu sat curled up in a white winged-back chair, asleep, waiting for her master's return. Tsuya shook her head. Silly girl. Then she turned around and applied pressure to one of the floor boards, then hid the little box in the safe hidden beneath the floor.

Her prize safely stored, Tsuya stretched, and then picked Itsu up, and carried her into the bedroom they shared. She placed the little girl on her futon and covered her, before turning to the closet and changing into a tank top and pajama pants. She tousled her hair royally and practiced sleepy looks in the mirror. Perfect. And with that, Tsuya slipped into bed.

--

The next morning, Deidara wandered through town, glad to have ditched Tobi, even if only for a few hours. The whole town was abuzz with the story of last night's theft. Not that he truly cared. It was funny, actually.

He'd been looking at the same pottery stall for twenty minuets when a flash of eye burning color caught his eye. Neon orange hair. Wait, what?! Deidara looked again, and this time his eyes registered the hair, _and _the face it went with.

She sat on a tall legged stool, half of her obscured by a canvas, with a table of paints spread out next to her. He watched as she lifted a small brush, dipped it into what looked like black paint, and went back to work. His curiosity piqued, Deidara circled around so that he was ten feet behind her, looking over her shoulder as she painted. It was a striking image of the market stalls before her, with all the people in it. Him too!

He studied his image, unconsciously coming closer. Finally, when he was close enough to rest his chin on her shoulder, he spoke, startling her.

"My nose isn't that big, un."

"YIPE!", she cried, whirling around in a halo of orange, to fall off the stool in a small cloud of dust. Deidara snickered, enjoying her slowly reddening expression, and the view up her knee length skirt. Finally, he offered a hand, feeling remorseful at the disappearance of her lacy green thong.

Much to his surprise, she didn't take his hand. Instead she shot to her feet and beamed him across the face with what could only be described as a devastating right hook. He could have sworn that more than one part of his face snapped under the force of her blow. S-class criminal he was, but that punch sent him sprawling into the dust on his ass, nursing a severe bloody nose.

"You lecherous pervert!", she screeched, raising her fists to hit him again. With a yelp, he scrambled up and out of the way. There went his dignity. She threw another punch at him, and another, forcing him to back away across the square amid the laughter of the early morning shoppers. With a sharp move, he caught her wrists in his hands. Really tiny and dainty wrists, he noticed.

"Calm down, un! There was no need for violence.", his voice was slightly nasally from all the blood blocking his sinus passages. Her grey eyes narrowed dangerously as she stood on tip-toe to yell in his face.

"You're a damned pervert, and you deserve what you got! And more, as soon as you let go of my wrists, damn it.", She snarled, struggling with surprising strength. Deidara's eyebrows shot up.

"Easy, Princess, un.", he said, suddenly aware of all the passersby who were stopping to watch the show. He gave them all a sheepish look as he started to drag her away.

"Lady troubles, yeah. What can you do?" Some of the men in the crowd nodded sympathetically and the crowed slowly dispersed as he pulled her down a quiet alley where she finally wiggled free enough to slap him, -HARD, he might add- before he caught hold of her wrists again. She geared up to give him another taste of the rough edge of her tongue.

"LADY TROUBLES! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!! HOW DARE YO-", she started when he cut her off the only way he could. He slammed his lips on hers, grateful for the silence that gave his poor ears a reprieve.

She was still as stone in his arms, and just as yielding, but her lips were warm and soft, and Deidara was intrigued despite himself. Slowly, he pulled back to give her a cocky smirk.

"Y'know, Princess, I like you better with your mouth shut." He quipped, but she didn't move, her eyes thrown wide and her body rigid as stone. He released her wrists and waved one hand in front of her eyes, the mouth on his palm wiggling it's tongue at her in an attempt to get a reaction.

Nothing. She didn't even blink at the strange sight of mouths on his hands.

"Hey, Princess, you ok, yeah?" Her eyes finally flickered, then met his in a blank stare.

"What…the…FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR??", she screamed, pegging him with a stinging slap.

His face snapped to the side sharply, and his neck cracked. _Jeez_, he thought, his face smarting, '_Where the hell'd she learn to be so damn violent? Her temper'd best Konan's.'_ He grabbed her wrists again, not really hearing her screaming and ranting. She was actually kinda cute when she was angry. But, she wasn't much Deidara's type. He noted that her face was smeared with blood from his nose. He smirked. They probably both looked a sight with her messed up hair, mutinous expression, dusty and misplaced clothes, and slightly puffy lips from his kiss.

Some how, he doubted he looked any better. He realized that she'd finally stopped screaming, and was panting, her chest heaving as she gulped down great mouthfuls of air.

"Oi, Princess, since this is kinda your fault, you got a place I can wash the blood off at least, un?", he asked. Her next expression clearly stated: HELL NO. He shrugged.

"Fine then, yeah. We can both walk out of here looking like we just had a thorough romp." He raised his eyebrows suggestively, fully enjoying the crimson staining her cheeks as she took in both his appearance and her own.

"God-fucking-dammit.", she cursed. He cocked his head to the side, liking that fact that she did the not so lady-like thing of cursing. And she had one hell of a punch. Maybe she was his type after all. Now, if only she had a body to back it all up, and if she could cook, which he doubted. Women seemed unable to cook these days.

He gave her a swift once over. Small chest, baggy clothes, no hips as far as he could see, but her face wasn't bad. And she was kinda short. Her head just barely reached his shoulder. He _did _like the hair, though. He _really _liked the hair. Even with the weird color, it smelled like jasmine flowers. One of the few flowers he liked at all.

She grabbed his wrist and dragged him out the back of the alley, away from the market.

"You owe me a new canvas, dammit! I suppose I can salvage the paints and brushes. But that canvas is probably ruined now!", she continued to grumble and growl and she led him through the more rural part of town to stop in front of a middle sized house, painted a pleasant off white color, with midnight blue porch and railings.

"Come on.", she snarled, pulling him up the steps and through the big front door into a warm and well lit hall. He glanced down at his cloak and fought the urge to curse. It was covered in blood and paint and dust. And so was he.

"I might need a bath, un." She looked back at him, and began to curse fluently.

"(So little eyes are not scarred forever, I must censor these words.)

-very long bleep that drowns out words that would burn a sailor's ears.-

"Grrrrr…fine." Deidara smirked. Gotta love that feminine temper.

--

**E/N-** I know, I know. Hard to follow, but I hope it was at least fun to read! Adieu!! disappears in a puff of smoke


	2. HouseGuests and Cooking Mishaps

**A/N-** Wow, Chapter Two! So much fun. Anyway, I want to thank all of you who reviewed and gave me some insight to the story. I want to thank you all. It was really nice to know how people responded to my stories! Hopefully, I'll do as well with this second chapter. Man, I hope so. Also, I warn you- light manga spoilers in this chapter, and some really mean swear words, not to mention Deidara putting his hands where he shouldn't- (Several times), and several ways how _**NOT**_ to cook for your land-lady. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I, the author, in order to form a more perfect-oh, crap, wait. That's the preamble. Sorry. To all the legal people out there, I don't own Naruto, never have, and probably never will. If I did, a favorite character of mine would not be dead now!(And I'd burn all of Kakashi's masks. Admit it, you know you want to, too.)

--I only lay claim to any and all OC's listed in the following story, AKA-Tsuya, Itsu, the Villain, his cronies, etc., etc...

--

Tsuya unlocked the bathroom door and walked out, along with the steam, toweling her hair dry. The remaining moisture on her body and in the air caused the large t-shirt she was wearing to stick to her form. Sadly, the shorts she wore did not show from under the white hem. Just her luck that one of the ninja from last night would show up! And kiss her…The vigorous toweling of her hair halted as she gently touched two fingers to her lips. It had startled her, that's for sure.

A giggle erupted from the kitchen, Itsu's, followed by a low male chuckle. Her body stiffened in mortified rage. Dammit, he was still there! She marched into the kitchen, intent on giving him a piece of her mind, and making it very clear how she felt about unwelcome guests when the sight in the kitchen pulled her up short.

They both sat at the kitchen island, momentarily cleared of all food items, a pile of what looked like clay between them. It looked like it had exploded all over the kitchen. Itsu was covered in the white-brown substance, with completely coated hands, a splotched shirt, and some splatter marks on her cheeks. She was laughing, a rare occurrence around anyone other than herself, her face alight and her brown eyes warm and sparkling with joy. It had the effect of melting her anger, even before he looked at him. Which she immediately regretted.

He was one color. White-brown, like the clay, which covered him from the middle of his forehead to the tips of his fingers. His expression was nothing but comical, his eyes beady with surprise and his whole face radiating that he'd gotten played. She snorted, then had to raise her hand to her quivering mouth to dampen the unstoppable giggles that surfaced, and soon turned into full blown peals of laughter.

--

The pair looked at her, similarly surprised, but for different reasons. Itsu was shocked to Hell at the sound of her master laughing. She'd never heard Tsuya-sama laugh before, and it was infectious. She was bent half over, leaning on the threshold of the kitchen entrance, her complexion reddening from the laughing, her eyes squeezed closed, and tears dripping down her cheeks in mirth.

Deidara, on the other hand, was caught off guard by the obviously feminine body that shook with laughter. She was bent over at the waist, obliviously showing him that she wasn't wearing a bra, and he couldn't help but notice the way that white T-shirt clung damply to her now obvious curves. She had a nice face when she laughed, he realized, open and friendly, and decidedly welcoming. He also spied her lips twisted into a bright smile as she laughed, her arms holding a clearly aching side.

--

After a few more minuets of uncontrollable giggles, Tsuya straightened and managed to collapse onto a third stool at the island, snickering every now and then as she looked at her house guest. When she finally calmed down, she looked at Itsu.

"What happened here?" Itsu gave her a large grin, and displayed a perfect miniature sculpture of a rabbit.

"Lookie, Master! A bunny! And I made it!" Tsuya picked up the little thing, admiring it. It was smiling, she noticed, which told her that it was indeed of Itsu's innocent creation. She smiled as she returned it, then scooted her charge off her stool.

"Adorable. And you're filthy. Go wash up for supper."

"Yes, Ma'am.", the little girl answered as she trotted out the door. Then Tsuya turned to the shinobi.

"And _you _need _another _bath.", she said, shaking her head, before starting to clean the clay up.

"Maybe you'd like to help me.", he answered, waggling his eyebrows. He got pegged in the face with a sopping sponge from the other end of the room, followed by more snickers.

"Maybe when I can believe you can keep your hands to yourself!", she laughed. He raised both hands, and little tongues waggled at her. She paused, blinked, and then went back to her work.

"Gee, thanks, Boy. Now I'm _sure _I'm going insane.", she snarled at him over her shoulder. He cocked his head to one side, frowning.

"It's Deidara."

"Pardon?"

"The name's Deidara. Not Boy, Deidara." Tsuya snorted at him.

"To be honest, _Cupcake_, I couldn't really care if your name was Allouisious. I'm still hallucina-EEP!" She cried as one muscular arm wrapped around her waist and the hand of the other clamped down in a vice-like grip over her mouth. Tsuya started to struggle before she became aware of what was perhaps the strangest sensation of her young life. There were indeed lips, on his hands, and these lips were parted, letting the teeth behind them nibble at her bottom lip. Well, this went far beyond the 'Slightly-Unnerving" department, and straight into the 'Seriously-And-_EXTREMELY_-Invasive-Of-Personal-Space' area.

It was then that Tsuya became aware of the most menacing chakra she'd ever felt in her life. It made her want to piss her pants, scream, cry, confess all of her sins, and crawl under the bed and hide all at the same time. (**A/N- **Madara's chakra, for any of you who are up to speed on the latest chapter…) She let out a soft whimper behind Deidara's hand, and shrank back into him a little. He looked down, as if just now realizing she was there, and then he noticed where his hand was.

"Oops. Sorry, un.", he said, putting her down and at least having the decency to look semi-contrite. The malevolent chakra went up a notch, and Tsuya flinched. The chakra flare was followed by Itsu's shrill scream and the sound of her pattering feet as she zoomed into the kitchen and crashed into Tsuya, throwing her small arms around her master's waist. Tsuya was knocked down with a loud, "Oof!", as the obviously evil chakra receded. As she tried to calm Itsu down, she watched Deidara quietly put away a pair of kunai and a lump of clay. Then her eyebrows shot up.

Suddenly, his name was familiar, and she had to stop wonder if she didn't have a death wish. He was the psychotic art maniac attached to that crazy ninja cult group, The Akatsuki. She swallowed a little. She's really done it now. After all, she knew how deadly this guy could be-she had been borne and raised in the Land of Earth. This was the prodigy who, in a fit of anger, had obliterated the entire capitol city of Earth, half the summer palaces of the nobility, and the Tsuchikage's palace-_with only a few chakra laced clay bombs!_ Oh, dear Kami, she was an **idiot**.

_But he didn't kill you_, her inner self whispered. She argued back that it was only because she hadn't made him angry enough.

_You punched him in the face. You're still alive. _Well, that didn't mean anything. Maybe Deidara had been out of clay, or something.

_Or maybe he isn't like that? Besides, he just put some clay away. He's armed. And what's the stuff we've been cleaning off the kitchen counters?_, her inner self was smug, she could just tell, _Obviously he doesn't mean any harm…_

_For now!_, she thought back. Her inner self refused to deem that comment worthy of a response. She fought the urge to grind her teeth. It wouldn't do any good-she was a bitch, even to herself. A loud banging on the door caught their attention, but there was no remainder of the malevolent chakra from earlier. Tsuya breathed a sigh of relief, because she and Itsu were safe. She looked up as Deidara gave a mixed sigh of relief and disappointment.

"Lucky for you guys that chakra left, or you would have joined me in my ultimate expression of art. Well, you and a kilometer radius of you neighbors, un."

At that thought, Tsuya's face paled slightly as Deidara left the kitchen, and she heard the click of the door. A loud shout jarred her out of her guilt.

"DEIDARA-SENPAI!! I FOUND YOU!! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!!", the owner of that voice had one hell of a pair of lungs; The house foundations shook! Tsuya darted out of the kitchen to be confronted with the oddest sight she'd ever seen.

Another of the shinobi from last night, the tall man with black hair and an orange swirled mask was slowly squeezing the breath out of Deidara, who looked ready to kill him. Tsuya noticed there was only on eye hole in the mask. She shook her head; The dude had to be good. Though she couldn't quite resist a smart-ass comment.

"Y'know, I love yaoi as much as the next girl, but not between a couple of freaks in my living room, with an eleven year-old girl in the other room. If you must conduct your love affair soon, I would suggest a hotel off Market Square." The pair froze, then turned to look at her like she was crazy.

"What's yaoi?", the kid in the orange mask asked, all innocent-like. The blue-haired girl from the night before stepped in through Tsuya's open front door, followed by the rest of Kanryu's gang of hired shinobi.

"It's guy-on-guy love, Tobi.", she said, before flopping into one of Tsuya's front living room chairs, and making herself comfortable.

"Actually, it's guy-on-guy sex, but, hey! Not much difference, am I right?", Tsuya asked, falsely cheery.

Tobi released Deidara like he had a raging case of leperosic herpes, with a loud, whining, "EEEEEEEEWWWW! GROOOSS!!" He then crossed the room to sit on the floor, as all of Tsuya's chair's, piano bench, and stools were now occupied by the shinobi. She looked at Deidara, then jerked her head at Tobi.

"And he is…_how _old?"

"Damned if I know, un.", he answered, rolling his eyes. Tsuya looked around, thoroughly freaked. There were nine deadly shinobi sitting in her living room, and she wasn't armed. Kami, what had she done to deserve this? Oh, wait. Yeah, she remembered now. She'd stolen from about...eight, no-nine, of his temples. Never mind. She knew Kami was a vindictive bastard anyway. She cleared her throat, getting all of their attention, which she instantly regretted. She wasn't good with crowds. She was a _thief_, for Kami's sake! Being invisible was her _job_!

"U-um, look. I don't mind company and all, but if you don't mind my asking-", Tsuya turned to a wide-eyed Itsu.

"Cover your ears."

"Yes, Ma'am!", she giggled, and clapped both hands over her ears.

"-What in the **_effing_** name of Kami's merciful angel are you all doing in my _**living room**_?? This is _**not**_ a _hotel_!!" Instead of answering her question, though, a frightening, shark-like creature pointed at Deidara and asked,

"Any reason why you're covered in that shit?" Deidara frowned and crossed his arms over his mesh T-shirted chest.

"Yeah. I got played, un." Itsu giggled from off to the right, and ducked swiftly into the kitchen. Tsuya gave a wry grin as she watched the blonde pout from the corner of her eye.

"By an eleven year-old girl...", she muttered under her breath, forgetting that every shinobi in the room would be able to hear her...Oops.

An explosion of laughter came from Tobi, the Fish-man, and a man with slicked back lavender hair. Tsuya noticed a familiar looking pendant around his neck and winced. Great, just great. She had a Jashin monk in her house. This day could seriously not get any worse.

Oh, but it was about to...

--

They continued to laugh as Deidara screamed and yelled and tried to defend himself. They all seemed so...normal. And that was not a good thing. No matter how normal they seemed, she had to remember they were dangerous killers that would destroy her and Itsu if she made one wrong move, and then leave them to rot. But as the laughter stretched on for ten minuetes, Tsuya felt her fear ebb away, while her irritation came flowing forward. This was getting really old, really fast.

"HEY!", she shouted, loosing her swiftly fraying temper at being ignored. All nine shinobi fell silent and regarded her with silent, and in some cases, malevolent, stares. Tsuya glared at them all, too pissed off to think of her life.

"Look, it's five in the freakin' afternoon. Tell me what the hell you want, or get out!", she snarled, gesturing at the clock on the fireplace. A young man, probably no older than twenty-three, shifted to look at her with gray-ringed eyes. Tsuya fought a suddenly swift sense of rising panic while struggling to keep her face composed. As if sensing her discomfort, he lowered his gaze to study the rug under her feet.

"We are here, Mistress, to inquire if you would have rooms enough to house my companions and I for a few months..." His voice was soft, but it carried through the silent room with ease, and a demanding presence. She stared at him for a moment, then turned to study the serious faces of the rest of the Akatsuki. She then lifted the inside of her wrist up to press it to the skin of her forehead, feeling for any unusual heat.

"_I'm_ sorry. I must be so ill, I'm hallucinating. I could have sworn that you just asked me to house nine incredibly destructive shinobi in my house with an eleven year-old girl for who knows how many months...Would you repeat what you really said?"

The leader shook his head.

"You are not incorrect. We ask that you let us stay here."

"WHAT?!", Deidara shouted, clueing back into the conversation, "Why wasn't I told, un?"

The leader gave him a cold look.

"You weren't there, so we decided you didn't care, and it didn't matter."

"Aka, you didn't fuckin' matter. But how is that news?", the Jashinite laughed.

Deidara looked like he would have loved to swear at him, but checked himself before he could open his mouth. Tsuya smirked.

"So, may I ask why...", she ventured. There was a space of silence before the leader again nodded, but he gaze screamed that he wasn't saying everything. She frowned, then crossed her arms over her chest, and sat into one hip.

"Lemme put it this way: If I ask why, will I get an answer?"

The silence that followed was enough of an answer for a member of the Thieves' Guild like her. She sighed and leaned her shoulder against the wall.

"Apparently not, ne?" She sighed and strolled over to the fireplace, secretly retrieving a few knives in case this turned nasty.

The silence dragged on for several moments, before Tsuya, having weighted this over in her mind, asked,

"So, hypothetically..._**IF**_ I let you stay...what's in it for me?"

"We don't kill you, and then take the house anyway, before selling the kid to the white slave trade.", The masked man who sat next to the Jashinite announced. At the sound of 'Slave trade', Itsu shrieked and ran to hid behind Tsuya, gripping her shirt. Tsuya, however, had her head bowed and her eyes shadowed.

"Uh-huh...", she drawled, before launching three knives at the big mouthed idiot. Weird black stands appeared from no where and caught them mid-flight, but missed the fourth one she'd thrown seconds later. That knife whistled through the air to land directly next to his head, buried two inches into the wall at eye level. The fifth one landed a half-inch from his groin, in between his slightly parted legs. Silence reigned as the 'shick' of sliding metal weapons out of their sheaths became apparent. Tsuya would have been terrified if she hadn't been so pissed off at the absolutely callous insult.

The leader raised a hand, and slowly the on-guard shinobi sat back and sheathed their weapons, but did not relax. They'd underestimated her once, and they would not do it again. They could see it would be extremely hazardous to their respective healths'. Only Deidara, the blue skinned shark, and a youth with black hair and pale skin seemed unmoved by her display of temper.

Deidara gave a whistle of appreciation, while the shark commented,

"Nice aim."

Tsuya glowered at him.

"What are you talking about? ...I missed..."

The shark gave a barking laugh at her response while she turned to their young leader.

"If you're serious about what the dumb-shit said over there, ", she snarled, jerking her head at the coiled spring that was her knife target, "Then I suggest you leave. I don't do business with slave slugs."

As she said this, she put a protective hand on Itsu's trembling head, still hidden in the folds of her T-shirt.

Deidara caught the movement, and glanced at Tsuya out of the corner of his eyes, his gaze asking. She jerked her chin down, and then up in a single nod; An affirmation to his silently asked question.

The leader shook his head, after sending the 'slaver' a look so cold, Tsuya was half-willing to bet he was now an ice-sculpture.

"We mean no harm. We are willing to pay rent for each room, and _**all**_ will help in household chores." He said.

The chorus of 'WHAT?!'s, and 'OH, HELL NO!!'s that followed were so loud, Tsuya had to clamp her hands over her ears, or risk permanent damage. She took Itsu, and disappeared into the kitchen as the argument grew more heated.

After twenty minuetes of shouting, chakra levels began to rise, and Tsuya decided to step in and use a trick she had learned growing up in a house with seven rowdy older brothers. She grabbed a whistle from a kitchen drawer, went off into the living room, took a breath, mixed her chakra with it, and blew the whistle hard enough and shrill enough to put strain on the windows. None the less, it had very desirable effects.

Six out of nine shinobi went sprawling from the force of her chakra waves, and the other three were silent. None of them had been expecting **_THAT!_**

Tsuya put her hands on her hips, and sat into one as she regarded all of the shinobi in a mangled heap on her living room rug. The only three unaffected were the leader, the blue-haired girl, and the quiet black-haired youth. Tsuya pursed her lips as the rest began to grumble and stand up, with hands to their temples, and other aching body parts. There was also a lot of swearing from the Jashinite, the shark, and Deidara.

"Alrighty, boys and girls. Here's how it gonna go down. You will pay me 15,000 Yen(+) per room, per month. Next, I will assign each of you a chore that I expect to be done, and done well. Lastly, the only kind of fighting allowed _**under**_ this roof, is the shouting kind. Any physical damage you do to the building will either come out of your ass, or be added to your rent. You wanna beat the crap out of each other? Do it somewhere else. You don't like it?"

She jerked her chin at the front door.

"There's the door. Have a nice day and don't let it hit you on your way out."

The was silence for a while as the shinobi regarded her quietly. Finally, the leader nodded his head.

"We agree, Mistress...?"

"Tsuya. And this is my girl, Itsu. Any of you mess with her, and I'll be selling your genitals to the loony apothecary down the road.", she said, putting an arm around Itsu, who'd come out of the kitchen to cling to her shirt again.

There was a soft grunt of acknowledgement from most of the men, and Tsuya nodded her slight approval.

"If there are no more objections, then I'll show you all to your rooms, and I expect the money by the day after tomorrow."

Tsuya turned, and motioned for them to follow her down the hall towards the back ofthe house. Sure, her house was small compared to what she had Itsu had lived in in the past, but it had enough rooms and space to house them all comfortably.

--

"Heya, Princess. I don't know if ya knew, but you're house isn't stocked to feed nine shinobi. I'd suggest you go shopping."

This was the shark looking man, whom she had learned was Kisame. Tsuya looked up from where she was sewing the torn hem of one of Itsu's favorite skirts. She raised her eyebrows, studied him, and then sighed. She had known that she didn't have enough food. She'd lived with seven older brothers, her mother and father, their mothers and fathers, and all of the household staff. She knew how much food her brothers alone could consume. What made nine hard working soldiers any different? With another sigh, she set the sewing aside and got up.

"That's fine, but I'm not going to be cooking. You are. I'm a land-lady, not a maid."

He gave a snort, but didn't respond, knowing it might get them thrown out. And then their mission would be shot to hell. He was about to go back to his room, when a sharp whistle, and a 'Hey, Sharky!', caused him to turn back to the orange-haired hell cat.

"What?", he asked.

She put her hands on her hips and jerked her chin at the door.

"You're comin' with. One, you are cooking, and two, do you _**honestly**_ believe that I can carry that many bags?" She snorted. "Gotta be freakin' kidding me..."

He stared at her. There was no way she was stupid enough to order _him_ to help with groceries. There was no way-

"Uchiha, Deidara, get up. I need help with groceries, and besides Kisame, the only two I semi-trust around this town are you two. Now!"

Kisame felt his jaw drop. She'd just given _Itachi_ an order...this girl really **_was_** insane!

--

Konan was playing with the piano, her fingers gliding across the keys in a soothing melody, when the four of them returned. She turned and raised her eyebrows as the three boys walked throughn the door loaded down with bags upon bags of groceries.

"My, my. Who's cooking?"

Tsuya walked in carrying her fair share of bags, and dropped her keys on the table near the door, then took off her shoes.

"They are. The others can do the dishes."

Konan smiled slightly.

"Sounds nice."

Tsuya grinned at her.

"I thought so, too."

She then turned to the kitchen.

"Alrighty, boys. Start cooking."

--

Ka-BAM!!

The force of the explosion ripped through the entire house, knocking anyone who was unfortunate enough to be in the halls, straight into the nearest wall. Tsuya picked herself up from the rug, and looked toward the kitchen, which was oozing a thinck colomn of black smokeinto her living room. She looked at Konan, who was getting back onto the piano bench.

"Do I really want to know?"

Konan shrugged. Tsuya moved cautiously toward the kitchen, which had hosted the bickering of Deidara and Kismae for the last half hour on what to cook, as Itachi did most of the cooking. She coughed as she waved the smoke away.

"Anyone still alive in there?", She called.

There was coughing all around, and the smoke began to waft out the open windos, thanks to a breeze at Tsuya's back. Lokking over her shoulder, she saw that Konan had fashioned a large fan from paper, and was slowly getting rid of the smoke. She smiled her thanks at the blue-haired woman.

As the smoke cleared, Tsuya could make out three forms standing around a now destroyed pot. Deidara and Kisame were covered from head to toe in soot, their hair was blown back, and their faces and hands were singed. Itachi, on the other hand, had been smart enough to step behind Kisame, and let the shark-man's bulk take the brunt of the explosion. Only the edges of his sleeves, and the sides of his pants and shirt, were singed. His face was completely unmarked. Tsuya gave a tired sigh and leaned one hip into the door frame, crossing her arms.

"I swear, my water bill's going to go up. So, obviously, two out of the three of you can't cook, and I'm not so mean as to make Uchiha-san do the cooking today, after he listened to the two of you for a half hour with out killing you both. "

She straightened and walked into the kitchen, pulling an apron off the hook as she went, and motioned for them to leave.

"I'll cook tonight. It seems safest for us all."

She picked up a knife and began to cut up a carrot that had been unharmed during the explosion, when Deidara snorted.

"Like you could do better, un."

The was a small whistle, and then a low thunk, and Deidara found a cooking knife two inches from his groin area. He began to sweat every so slightly. Tsuya simply picked up another knife, chopping the carrot with a violent vengeance, as she smiled at Deidara sweetly over her shoulder.

"Better be careful. I might poison yours."

He smirked as he slid the knife out of the wall, and walked over to place it next to her on the counter, then he placed a hand on her wrist, to keep her from decimating the poor carrot.

"As long as I go out with a bang, yeah."

Tsuya snorted, and he walked out of the kitchen to the bathroom, whistling. After all, the more you washed your hair, the healthier it was. Konan exchanged a look with Pein, who'd just come out inquire about the smoke. They both knew what Tsuya seemed oblivious to.

Deidara didn't whistle unless he was planning something. And it was usually an explosion on a large scale. The last time he'd whistled like that had been right before he and Sasori had been sent to capture the Jinchurikki Gaara. And that had been a _large_ explosion.

They were now both a bit on guard.

--

+About 125 U.S. dollars

**E/N-** Okay, so now we have ch. 2 of this story out. God, I'm so sorry this took so long, but finals were a serious bitch, and studying took up most of my time. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this installment of my own brand of Akatsuki toruture. And yes, this fic will have lots of unexpected humor, and humilliation. It's what I'm good at.

Don't forget to review!!


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